Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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