do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
