he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
