Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We got so high we made milksteak
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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