I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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