I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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