apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
