I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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