This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize