final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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