??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
