they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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