you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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