Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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