The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The air was thick with penises
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize