Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you would pick up someone in the library
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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