saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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