I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
