I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
