Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
