I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
foreskin is a definite game changer
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
