is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
