Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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