My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
