I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
not ubering you a puppy
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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