cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
