she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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