I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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