If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I deserve this hangover.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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