I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So many bounce houses so little time
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
