The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
