are you so shy because you have an std?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
