I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
