i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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