From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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