my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize