Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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