Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
