How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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