you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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