dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize