Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
