You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
