I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
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