My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
