she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
