I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
