I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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