So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
