New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
