I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
