Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
God, I missed his penis.
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