Got a toothbrush?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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