Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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