he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
