mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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