My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
