A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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