Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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