Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
