i used baking grease as lip gloss
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
