You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
