my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i will never coherently bang her
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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