He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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