I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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