im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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