I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
