How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
