from now on my penis is your penis
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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